Couper's Poop

I Don't Want To Be A Pirate!!!

2011-10-31T19:22:00.002-07:00

The worst puppy day of the year. Not only do kids come and ring the doorbell and dress strange and get treats, but we get dressed up in all sorts of goofy outfits (and get laughed at)! And begging for treats is our gig!

I don't want to be a court jester or a bumble bee either! Is it Thanksgiving yet???

(Special guest post from Couper and Godiva)

Spoiled and Spoileder

2011-10-26T18:25:00.001-07:00

Today, we shall learn the definitions of two words; spoiled and spoileder.

Spoiled:
Below are the presents that Couper got for his birthday...

A pretty nice haul (and nicely packaged I might add). Just to prove that they got the presents, here are Couper and Godiva opening one...

Spoiled puppies.

Spoileder:

Here are two puppies the next day.

I could not figure out what in the world they wanted on the computer room table. There was nothing up there for puppies. No toys. No bones. No yummies. Despite picking them up and showing them there was nothing there for them, they kept going to the table and whining (Godiva) or jumping (Couper).

Finally, I figured out what they were after:

Admidst all the clutter (and dachshund merchandise) is a bag that we had gotten a month or so before from Sur La Table. It had been on the desk for a couple of weeks. However, since they had gotten presents in gift bags the day before, Couper and Godiva decided that this must be a lost present (because obviously they had not gotten enough the day before).

Spoileder puppies. (Maybe spoiledest puppies, though I am not sure that is actually a word).

Happy 9th Birthday Little Buddy!!!

2011-10-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

Happy 9th Birthday to our founder and inspiration, Couper.

So, not to get off subject, but we are in a bit of an economic mess in this country right now. A lot of smart people have a lot of smart ideas about how to get us out of it. The smart folks on the left say, tax the rich and the government will use the money to create jobs. The smart folks on the right say, cut taxes and companies will use the savings to create jobs. The dumb-ass dachshund blogger says, have everyone get a dachshund. It can happen through taxes and government give-aways. It can happen through tax cuts and private incentives. I don't care. Just get a dachshund in everyone's hands. Then, once a year, that dachshund will have a birthday. And the dachshund owner will go to four stores and spend triple digit dollars on birthday presents. I mean, look at those eyes in the picture above. Are you not going to get him lots and lots of birthday presents? And the genius of this solution is that it is not a one time or limited time solution. This is no holiday rush. No Black Friday. Multiple dachshund birthdays every day of the year. Economic crisis solved. Now who is the dumb-ass and who is the smart folk?

Anyhow, we may have gone a bit overboard on presents for Couper's birthday (and as Couper's Mommy reminds me, by "we", I mean "I"). But, it must be a special birthday, because the Beatles couldn't stop ~~singing~~ chanting about it:

Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9

Happy Birthday Little Buddy!!!

Little Buddy and Diverdoodle: A Dachsund By Any Other Name...

2011-09-04T00:04:00.000-07:00

You knew it would only be a matter of time before we started quoting Shakespeare (“They’re booing Shakespeare”).

Couper and Godiva’s Gamma Mommy was in town last week and was confounded when Godiva’s Mommy said to Godiva, “Come on in Diverdoodle”. “What did you call her?” “Diverdoodle.” “How long have you been calling her that?”

We don’t even think about it, but we have been calling her that, among other things forever. Same with Couper. Somehow nicknames appear and evolve.

So, let’s look at our dogs’ various names:
Couper

Couper:
Origin: Coupe.
Originator: Couper’s Mommy
Story: We are Couper’s third family. In his second family, he was called Frank. That name was out, because Couper’s Mommy’s brother has a dachshund named Frankie. Calling the new dachshund Frank would be confusing and derivative. Couper’s first family called him Coupe, so, after much deliberation (and a few days of calling him, “Hey You”), Couper’s Mommy (not her name until after Couper was named by the way), decided we should add the “r” and call him Couper.

Coupe
Origin: Couper (Circular reference alert!!!)
Originator: Couper’s Mommy and Big Buddy
Story: Short for Couper, though not that much shorter.

Little Buddy
Origin: Not sure.
Originator: Big Buddy (not my name until I started calling Couper “Little Buddy”)
Story: I really do not know where Little Buddy came from. The Gilligan’s Island connotation (Skipper’s name for Gilligan for the uncultured) always kind of bothered me, so it wasn’t that (at least I didn’t call him “Lovey” - Mr. Howell’s name for Mrs. Howell, as if you did not know). I started calling Couper “Little Buddy” very early, so it was probably me desperately trying to confirm that we were friends; “Are you my Little Buddy?” Eventually, I would use Little Buddy as a name and I became Big Buddy (because I am taller and weigh more).

Little Bud (or Lil’ Bud)
Origin: Little Buddy (see above)
Originator: Big Buddy
Story: Nothing much here. Little Buddy is an absurd four syllables. Little Bud is three. Lil’ Bud is two. When it comes to syllables, three or two is much greater than four. Therefore, Little Bud is our most used moniker for Couper.

Little Buddy Biscuit
Origin: Little Buddy (see above) and Seabiscuit
Originator: Big Buddy
Story: After watching the movie Seabiscuit, I made the comment that the movie was fine, but it would be 100 times better if it was about a racing dachshund instead of a race horse (by the way, I routinely make the same statement about all movies; ET? better with a dachshund; Jaws? dachshund; Apollo 13? dachshund). I proposed Little Buddy for the lead and re-naming it “Little Buddy Biscuit”. Couper’s Gamma Buddy really took to this idea and still calls him “Little Buddy Biscuit” on occasion all these years later.

Couper Knute (pronounced Ka-nute)
Origin: Couper’s Great Granddaddy Mommy, Knute
Originator: Couper’s Mommy
Story: Couper is stubborn. Couper’s Mommy’s grandfather Knute was stubborn. As a tribute to stubbornness, Couper got a last name. For years Couper’s Mommy called him Couper Knute, but I had no idea why. I figured it was alliteration. As you will see, these names do not need to make any sense. Finally, one day out of the blue, she explained it to me. To this day, however, I have no idea why Knute (which to me is associated with Knute Rocknie - and pronounced “Nute”) is pronounced “Ka-Nute”. Regardless, ICouper Ka-Nute, sounds better than Couper Nute.

Cuepa (Pronounced Cue-pa)
Origin: Couper’s 3 year old human cousin Hanna’s pronunciation of Couper
Story: You would guess that Hanna is from Brooklyn or Boston, or someplace that eliminates the letter R from the end of words. Hanna is 7 now. I do not believe she has ever been east of the Mississippi. If she has, she could probably skip a rock on the Mississippi from there. But somehow, she came up with the ultimate East Coast pronunciation for Couper. As a native New Yorker, I am very jealous.

Killer

Origin: Couper like to bark

Originator: Couper's Gamma Mommy's neighbor

Story: When the neighbor of Couper's Gamma Mommy would see Couper, Couper would bark at her as he does with everyone who comes to the door. Amusing to the neighbor, she started calling him Killer when he was having his fit. For her, that name stuck.

Godiva

Godiva
Origin: Chocolate
Originator: Godiva’s Mommy
Story: Godiva’s Mommy (then - and still - named Couper’s Mommy) always wanted a female Chocolate Lab and wanted to call her Godiva. When we got Couper, and half a million dollars worth of dachshund paraphernalia, I put my foot down on buying a different breed of dog. Especially one as popular a lab, which likely has 5 times the paraphernalia as dachshunds (which translates to us buying $2.5M in merchandise). There was no way we could afford that. When we found the ad for dachshund puppies, there were two female choices. I’m not saying we selected a puppy based on her colors and a pre-chosen name, but Godiva was white, light brown, and dark brown (white chocolate, milk chocolate, and dark chocolate - though Godiva’s Mommy does not like that analogy). Her sister, our other choice that night, was grey and black. You do the math.

Godiver
Origin: Cuepa (see Couper’s section above)
Originator: Big Buddy
Story: Refusing to be outdone by a 5 year old Las Vegas native, I immediately added the East Coast R to a name ending with A. I got all my East Coast street cred back with this one.(My favorite TV show? Lore and Outta)

Diver
Origin: Godiver
Originator: Big Buddy
Story: Short for Godiver

Diveroo
Origin: Godiver shortened to Diver and Howard Cosell
Originator: Big Buddy
Story: Back in the mid 80’s Nightline had a special edition where they looked at the problems with college sports. Like a lot of Nightline special editions, nothing came of it. The same problems from 25 years ago are still problems. However, one of their guests was the one and only Howard Cosell. Remarking on the decline and fall of college athletics he said the following about then Notre Dame head basketball coach Digger Phelps: “and in South Bend, they are even booing the Diggeroo”. Now this line is great on like a thousand levels. But mostly because he took a person’s popular nickname, Digger (given name Richard), and upped that into a nickname that nobody else used, Diggeroo, to make himself sound like he was closer to Digger than you could ever be. Anyhow, for years after that, I enjoyed adding “roo” to people’s names. So, years later, when Godiva turned into Diver, it was inevitable that Diver turned into Diveroo.

Diverdoo
Origin: Diveroo and alliteration?
Originator: Big Buddy
Story: Not sure on this one. Maybe Diveroo needed more alliteration, so another d was added? One way or another, this turned out to be the name we use for her the most.

Diverdoodle
Origin: Diverdoo
Originator: Big Buddy
Story: As long as we are going to give our puppy girl a name that has almost no bearing to her actual name, might as well add an “odle” to it.

Diverdon’t
Origin: Diverdoo and Potty Issues
Originator: Big Buddy/Godiva’s Mommy
Story: When she poops and/or pees when we want her to, she is a Diverdoo. When she screws around looking for lizards or gets distracted by sound and does not pee or poop (which happens way more often than not), she is a Diverdon’t

Mischief
Origin: Godiva is full of it sometimes
Originator: Godiva’s Mommy
Story: When Godiva gets into trouble, her mommy tells her, “We should have called you mischief, because that is what you are”

Sprinkles
Origin: Godiva like to roll around in mesquite tree leaves
Originator: Big Buddy
Story: We have an artificial turf putting green in the back yard. Artificial turf sounds pretty maintenance free, but we have two mesquite trees that hang over the turf. Mesquite trees drop stuff 10 and a half months of the year, not the least of which are their little leaves. When Godiva goes outside, no matter how badly she need to go potty, she will find a patch of turf with mesquite leaves and roll around in them. When she gets up, the leaves stick to her body like sprinkles on ice cream. Therefore, Sprinkles.

I am sure there are more for both Couper and Godiva. As I said to start this post, way back when, we don’t even think about the names we use for them. Who knows what else we call Dinky and Farthead.

Happy 3rd Birthday Godiva!!!

2011-03-11T09:00:00.006-07:00

Happy third birthday to our little puppy girl Godiva!

According to one independent expert, three is when dachshund puppy girls grow up. We have been counting down the days. Gone are the days of 2AM wake-up calls and eating beds and chewing toes (human's and Mr. Hiney's) and whining incessantly for dinner. Finally we can leave our dirty socks on the floor where they belong. The laundry hamper is going back to IKEA! Yup, we're going to really enjoy the new Godiva and it all starts today...because it sure wasn't that way yesterday.

No matter what, we wish Godiva the happiest birthday ever (it better be, we spent enough on presents and cards). She may even get an extra bellyrub out of the deal.

(Fun added bellyrub update. When Godiva wants a bellyrub in the morning, I make her wait until I am out of the shower, dried off, and dressed. The last part of the equation is putting my pants on. So, if she is not in the room, I will call for her, "Godiva, I'm putting my pants on" and she comes running down the hall. The last couple of days, whenever I am putting on pants, morning, changing after work, putting on pajamas at night, Godiva thinks that is bellyrub time. When she sees pants, she runs up the stairs to the bed and rolls over. And of course, I give in. This of course wouldn't be an issue if we lived in a pants-free society as I have been lobbying for since the late '80's. Damn societal hang ups.)

Bellyrub (Pop) Do Do Do Do

2011-02-10T21:17:00.009-07:00

Godiva has a new passion. Not that she has outgrown her old ones. She still enjoys stealing socks, or dryer sheets, or towels and running around the living room with them (By the way, I think the reason she always brings them to the living room is so she can be chased around the sofas and escape under the tables. She rarely takes anything she is allowed to have in there. So when we see her half-hidden behind a sofa on the floor of the living room, we have a pretty good idea something’s up). She also still enjoys chasing lizards and biting toes. Her new passion is a little less destructive. She loves bellyrubs.

Now, Couper loves bellyrubs too. All dogs love bellyrubs. However, Godiva takes it to the next level. Where Couper will roll over for a bellyrub, within a minute, whether having gotten a bellyrub or not, he will say (metaphorically of course), “That’s enough of that, let’s play” and get up to do something else. Godiva, on the other hand, will just lie on her back forever waiting for and/or receiving a bellyrub.

Godiva’s patience waiting for a bellyrub is amazing. Let’s say I am in the den on the computer. She will come in, whine, roll over on her back, and look up at me saying (again, metaphorically), “Hey you, here I am! Bellyrub time!!!” The amazing part is that I can go out of the room, make a sandwich, come back, and there she is in the same spot in the same position. Well, that’s not true, if I made a sandwich, she would come out to see if she was getting something to eat too. Bad example. Change make a sandwich with do laundry. Uh, no, bad example again. She would come out looking for stray socks. But anything else I would leave the room to do, when I come back, there she is on her back waiting for a bellyrub.

When Godiva gets a bellyrub, she is equally as patient. She will lie there as I rub away. After a while, my arm or hand gets tired. She will wait for me to switch hands. After a while longer, I will get tired of bellyrubbing entirely. She just lies there and looks at me with those big puppy eyes. Eventually I get scared that I am going to rub away all the tummy tissue and see her exposed intestines; like the old Operation game, but with a live dachshund.

And that’s all well and good except that she likes to get a bellyrub in the morning as I am getting ready to go to work. Not being a morning person, that task is difficult in and of itself. I don’t have 20 spare minutes to give Godiva the bellyrub that she wants. But there she is, morning after morning, waiting for me on the bed while I get dressed. Knowing that we will be gone all day makes it all the more difficult to say no to her pathetic, and cute, plea. So, I came up with a game. While giving her a bellyrub, I sing her two verses of the Bellyrub Song. At the end of the Bellyrub Song, I yell, “Yay!!!” and that’s the end of that.

What’s the Bellyrub Song you ask? It is the old “Lollypop” song with bellyrub subbed in:

Bellyrub bellyrub oh belly belly rub

Bellyrub

(Pop)

Do do do do

(repeat from the top)

Yay!!!

I am not sure how I came up with it, but it is genius (except that I can’t do the proper mouth pop, so it is more like a cluck than a pop – she doesn’t seem to mind). She gets a bellyrub and we are done in a minute or so (that is why I made the Bellyrub Song to the tune of Lollypop, not Stairway to Heaven). Better yet, she seems to like the “Yay” celebration most of all. When she hears that, she hops in one motion from her back to her feet (by far the most athletic thing she does), leaps off the bed with her tail wagging 1000 wags per minute, and sprints to tell Couper and her Mommy that she got a bellyrub. You have never seen anybody more excited about anything. Sometimes she is so anxious to get to the celebration that she tries to take off after only one verse of the Bellyrub Song. I have to hold her down for the second verse, because I feel it is only fair to her (not to mention I enjoy the sound of my own singing voice). Whatever, it works and with our demanding little Godiva, that's all that matters. Not to mention it is secretly my favorite part of the day (don't tell anyone).

Happy 8th Birthday Couper!!!

2010-10-01T07:00:00.001-07:00

Happy 8th Birthday to our title puppy, Couper!

Last year I wrote the world's most confusing post about him turning seven, but having more energy than he had at six. Honestly, read it. It makes little to no sense. I have to find out what I was taking that day and get back on it immediately.

Anyhow, the point of last year's birthday wish was supposed to be that Couper had a lot more energy than he had in a long time. I am happy to report that this year is no different. He is still playing at every opportunity. In fact, he now likes to wake up a half hour or so before us, just to get a head start on playing. As you can imagine, that does not go over well.

All this playing has had at least one positive effect. Here is a picture of Couper last September:

He is a little pudgy there.

And here is a picture of him this September.

This is the classic Nutrisystem before and after picture. Not only is he thinner, but he is actually kind of cut (can't really tell from that picture, you'll just have to believe me this time). He is being fed the same (same as Godiva, who herself is a little on the pudgy side). Because they are September pictures, and we live in Arizona, he has not been regularly walked since May. So, the only difference is his activity level. He has had more than a year of puppy-like playing. It really shows. (A giant knock on wood for all of this good health).

Couper's Mommy and I have been trying to lose a pound or two ourselves. We tried to use Couper as our inspiration, but we came to the realization that we don't love doing anything as much as Couper loves playing (anything productive anyhow...I am sure I love sitting on the sofa, drinking beer, and watching TV almost as much). Writing blog posts burns calories, doesn't it???

So, the Poop wishes the new thinner Couper a happy 8th birthday. As always, Couper not only has a birthday, not just a birthweek, but a birthmonth. They don't call it Dachtober for nothing.

Travel

2010-09-22T21:06:00.005-07:00

I hate travel.

I hate planning for travel. I hate travel websites. I hate comparing flights. I hate picking flights. I hate rental car websites. I hate hotel websites. I hate travel websites.

I hate airport shuttles. I hate air caps. I hate ticket agents. I hate security. I hate taking shoes off. I hate their seemingly random rules. I hate the metal detector. I hate the line. I hate finding a place to put shoes back on. I hate finding the stuff that went through the conveyor.

I hate gates. I hate the restaurants around the gates (the bars, not so much). I hate the gate agents. I hate the check-in and boarding process.

I hate finding seats. I hate overhead bins. I hate people I don’t know sitting next to me. I hate flight attendants. I hate the safety spiel (are we going to have a water landing??? great). I hate the seat in an upright position. I hate returning to the gate for “precautionary measures”.

I hate the take-off. I hate the cloud/mountain turbulence. I hate the Fasten Seat-belt sign. I hate that sharp turn they always have to do because we had to take off in the wrong direction.

I hate the drink cart. I hate the drink prices. I hate the snack. I hate the bathrooms. I hate the movie. I hate the in-flight turbulence.

I hate the approach. I hate circling to wait for permission to land. I hate the touch-down. I hate the screeching stop. I hate taxiing. I hate waiting for a gate.

I hate deplaning. I hate the fake sincere wave goodbye. I hate the other terminal’s gate.

I hate the walk to baggage claim. I hate baggage claim. I hate baggage.

I hate rental car shuttles and/or trams. I hate rental car agents (they can take the reservation, they just don’t know how to keep the reservation). I hate finding the rental car. I hate checking out the rental car. I hate rental cars.

I hate hotels. I hate checking-in. I hate finding rooms. I hate card keys. I hate bellhops if and when they exist.

I hate hotel rooms. I hate hotel bathrooms. I hate hotel showers. I hate hotel shower soap. I hate hotel shower shampoo. I hate hotel toilet paper. I hate hotel beds. I hate hotel TVs (does it always have to turn on to the pay-per-view channel? Don’t you have enough of my money?). I hate hotel clocks. I hate hotel wi-fi (if they even have it).

I hate hotel breakfasts. I hate hotel restaurants. Hotel bars can be OK.

I hate returning rental cars.

I hate everything in reverse about airports, flights, airports again, and shuttles.

However, add all that hate up. Multiply it by 1000. And that doesn’t even come close to how much I hate boarding our puppies.

Side Note: Because our flight was so early, we had to board them late in the afternoon the day before we left. Dropping them off was bad enough (with our two pages of instructions, box full of foods, two beds, blankets, toys, and recently worn shirts - so they would not forget us). Yes, Couper barked and Godiva whined. But worse was coming home to an empty house. It was horribly quiet. Not in the barking all the time sense. Just in the lack of activity sense. There was no one shoving a toy at me. Or biting my toe. Neither Couper's Mommy or I slept well without them crawling all over us in bed. I accidentally stepped on a toy (not difficult to do) and Couper didn't come racing to it. It was very strange and very sad.

Side Note 2: On the third day of our vacation, I got a call on my cell phone from our home area code. My heart stopped. I told Couper's Mommy, "I think it might be the vet". Her heart stopped. I sheepishly answered the phone.

Caller: Hello. This is Jan from Grayhawk Animal Hospital. Is this Big Buddy?

Me: Yes [I am about to have a panic attack]

Caller: I am calling about Couper and Godiva.

Me: Uh huh [I look over at Couper's Mommy. She is terrified]

Caller: I just wanted you to know that they are doing fine.

Me: Uh, thanks [My blood pressure drops 200 points]

Now, it is great that they kept us updated. We called them the first day, and were going to call them later the third day. But that scared the crap out of us. We thought they would only call in case of emergency. I had a split second nightmare of having to authorize surgery because Couper ate Godiva.

So, a word of advice to all dog boarders out there. Don't call. And if you do, make the first words, "Your dogs are fine, just thought you should know"

Side Note 3: I hate travel. Just in case you hadn't heard. Or forgot.

Happy Mommy's Day Couper&Godiva's Mommy

2010-05-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

Couper and Godiva would like to wish Couper&Godiva's Mommy a happy Mommy's Day!

They get to appreciate their mommy more this Mommy's Day since their mommy is traveling this weekend to see Couper&Godiva's Grandmommy. So, it is up to me to remember to feed them, and take them out to go potty, and make sure they aren't eating the living room carpet. This single puppy parenting is exhausting. So even though they are on edge, wondering who stole their mommy and barking at any and every noise, and miss their mommy very much, I am not sure they miss her more than I do.

Happy Mommy's Day to all the puppy mommies!

Happy 2nd Birthday Godiva!!!

2010-03-11T17:58:00.006-07:00

Happy 2nd Birthday to our favorite puppy girl, Godiva!!!

It is hard to believe that our little girl is 2 already. I went with pictures of her doing two of her favorite things, napping and playing football. I really need a picture of her stealing socks.

In honor or her birthday, a quick Godiva story:

We like to kid about Godiva chewing hands and feet, but she has grown out of that a little. She really has become the cuddle puppy that we were hoping for. However, just snuggling up next to a leg on the sofa sometimes isn't enough for her. Her new thing is to climb up on either me or her mommy and smother us. Not just a full body hug, but climbing onto our body and then putting her head over our face. She does this on the sofa, or even more fun, in bed in the middle of the night. To make it more fun, she will then give us little licks. If she positions herself just right, her tongue will make it into a nostril or two. Yes, that is every bit as unpleasant to experience as it is to read. We wanted a cuddle puppy. We wanted the bitey puppy gone. We got it. Just a bit more of extreme than we were planning on.

Happy Birthday Godiva!!! From Couper, Mommy, and Daddy!!!

I Bought Godiva a Snuggie - Now She's Smarter Than Me

2010-03-03T21:10:00.013-07:00

If you are a fan of late night television (or programs that can't sell real advertising - you know - Coke, Budweiser, Ford, Depends .etc), then you know what a Snuggie is. For those more fortunate, a Snuggie is a blanket with sleeves. Remember the old days, when blankets didn't have sleeves? Ever try to use a remote, or read a book, or drink some coffee while wrapped up in one of those things? Impossible! You were trapped like a dolphin in a tuna net. Pretty much all you could do was scratch yourself. Well, a Snuggie solves that problem. It has sleeves built right into the blanket. So now you can eat a piece of pie, or do a crossword puzzle, or do the wave all while staying warm.

That's great for people, but what about our best friends? Are they doomed to inactivity while trying to stay warm? Nope. They came out with Snuggies for Dogs.

And I got Godiva one for Christmas. Why?

Well, for one thing, she gets cold easily. At the very least, she shows the effects of the cold more than Couper.

More importantly, take a look at the box:

If you know anything about us (specifically me), we do not pass up items that have Little Buddies on them. So, realistically, since the box has a red dachshund on it, I should have gotten this for Couper. Except that the Petsmart did not have the blue Snuggies for Dogs in that size (side note: I knew the size was going to be too small as well, but the next size up had one of the other leading dog breeds on it, and I was not having any of that. I was getting the box with the Little Buddy on the front, right size or not. I really should be institutionalized, or at least get a thorough check-up).

I was pretty excited about my purchase, until I looked at the back of the box. Remember how people could be warm and productive with Snuggies for Humans? Well look at the picture on the bottom left:

A little closer:

That's right. Dogs playing backgammon. Suddenly I got scared. I can't play backgammon. Couper's Mommy can't play backgammon. There is a good chance that you can't play backgammon. In fact I think backgammon is one of those games that the Most Interesting Man in the World plays (I may be confusing backgammon with backarat, but even so, I bet the 10,000th Most Interesting Man in the World plays backgammon. Point being, I think you have to have a Most Interesting Man ranking to play backgammon). Now, because she has a Snuggie for Dogs, Godiva is going to be playing backgammon. She'll probably demand that we get one for Couper so that she will have someone to play backgammon with, because, again, we sure can't play backgammon.

Now, it isn't as if I haven't long ago resigned myself as Couper and Godiva's unpaid servant. I realize they control the house. I know it every third step I take in the house when my foot lands on a toy or a bone. However, I always thought I had the intellectual upper hand. I have read books (a few that didn't even involve coloring). I graduated from college somehow. I can add two two-digit numbers together. But now I envisioned an intellectual shift in the house. The puppies playing backgammon would just be the start. They would also have us turn off "The Girls Next Door" and turn on the Discovery Channel. Godiva would spend her time solving quadradic equations while Couper studied Shakespeare. It would be the Planet of the Puppies, with Couper's Mommy and me as Nova and Charlton Heston and Couper and Godiva as Dr. Zaius and Zira.

Then we opened up the box and put the (too small) Snuggie for Dogs on Godiva:

Have you ever seen a happier puppy? I'll be lucky if the Humane Society does not break down the door and arrest me for subjecting her to this. Not only would there be no backgammon, there would be no movement whatsoever until one of us took this insane contraption off of her. And since she and Couper like to chew blankets anyhow, there are plenty of leg holes for backgammon or holding a bone anyhow.

Puppies of the Decade!!!

2009-12-31T21:03:00.003-07:00

This just in, Couper and Godiva have been named puppies of the decade!!! Puppies of the '00's? Well, yes, but that is not breaking news. They were named that a long time ago. Nope, they are the puppies of the new decades, the '10's. That's right. A panel of independent experts have given the prestigious award to Couper and Godiva. So, the rest of you puppies can take the decade off and hope for the best in the '20's.

Happy New Year from the Poop!

A Christmas Miracle

2009-12-31T20:48:00.006-07:00

No, nobody saved a life, or rescued a child from a presentless Christmas, or made a 7 course meal out of gruel and tree bark. But I think this ranks right up there.

Take a look at the following picture:

Looks like an ordinary stocking ornament on a tree, right?

Now take a look in a wider context:

Looks like the ornament is near the bottom of the tree. Nothing extraordinary there still, no?

Now look at this picture:

Uh, oh. Trouble.

Here is the miracle. That stocking stayed in that position on the tree for a whole month of December. We had bet it would be gone by the 3rd.

Top that Tiny Tim!

Oh Dachshund Tree

2009-12-20T21:45:00.004-07:00

The world's largest and finest Dachshund tree*. (Click on picture for larger view)

Merry Christmas from the Poop!

* Based on no actual research. May not be the world's largest or finest Dachshund tree. May in fact be the world's smallest and lousiest Dachshund tree. However, it is the only Dachshund tree we have, and it is a mighty nice Dacshund tree at that.

Couper and Godiva Give Thanks

2009-11-26T07:00:00.002-07:00

This year for Thanksgiving, I have assigned Couper and Godiva to sit down and write about all the things for which they are thankful. How did they do that? We have a WoofToEnglish Didactic Transmodulator 3000 hooked to the USB2 port. What, like there is another way?

Couper: So, Big Buddy wants us to list all the things that make us thankful
Godiva: What is thankful?
Couper: All the things we like.
Godiva: Tail waggers?
Couper: Sure
Godiva: I have one!!! Yummies!!! Yummies!!! Yummies!!!
Couper: Alright already. I heard you the first time. Yummies!!!
Godiva: Ooh. I love yummies! They’re delicious.
Couper: I know, they’re like, yummy. Maybe we should list all the things we do to get yummies. Like poop.
Godiva: Pooping is fun!!! Daddy says so. He says it is because it is stinky and we get to use our hinies.
Couper: Yeah, I’ve heard him say that too. I never thought pooping was quite as fun as he makes it seem.
Godiva: But we get yummies for it!
Couper: Yup, so it goes on the list.
Godiva: I guess peeing should go on the list too.
Couper: I agree. Now that is fun. I get to pee on things like trees, and bushes, and patio lamps, and house columns, and your pee.
Godiva: Why do you do that?
Couper: Because I am top dog.
Godiva: Says who?
Couper: Says me, because I pee on top of your pee.
Godiva: Oh. I don’t really pee on anything, but it is fun, because we get yummies, if we do it outside.
Couper: Yeah, outside seems important. I’m not sure why we have to pee and poop outside all the time, and I only see mommy or Big Buddy pee or poop outside sometimes.
Godiva: Maybe we should list going outside.
Couper: Going potty outside, or just going outside?
Godiva: Just going outside. Sometimes we get a yummie just for doing that.
Couper: I know. It’s confusing, but I’m not complaining. Know what else is cool? When we go outside and only I pee, then we go inside and both get a yummie. And then you sit at the door a minute later and we both go outside and you pee and we go inside and both get a yummie again. That’s much better than when we go outside once and both pee and then only get one yummie.
Godiva: Yeah! Thanks for teaching me that one early on. Should we list that?
Couper: Nope. We don’t want anyone to know our secret.
Godiva: Yeah, like the refuse the first yummie trick?
Couper: Right, where I refuse to eat the first yummie, so then Big Buddy gives me a second yummie and I then eat both.
Godiva: Genius!!!
Couper: Thanks. Let’s not list that either.
Godiva: So what should we list?
Couper: Well, we get yummies for sitting. Let’s list that.
Godiva: Good one. I don’t get that either. We just sit and get a yummie for it.
Couper: I know. How easy is that. If they gave Big Buddy a yummie every time he sat, he would weigh 450 pounds.
Godiva: Good one, Couper. Should we list all the yummies we like?
Couper: No, that would take too much time. Hey, know what else? We eat din din too. I like din din.
Godiva: Me too. I’m really thankful when Mommy or Daddy crush a liver yummie in it. I like to pretend I’m not interested until they do. So it’s kinda like another thing that we get a yummie for.
Couper: Yeah, I get one too. Thanks. Getting a yummie for eating din din. That’s pretty nice.
Godiva: And breakfast too! Let’s list that.
Couper: Yeah, that’s good too. I hear Mommy say all the time that it takes longer to make our breakfast than her and daddy’s breakfast. It is a delicious breakfast!
Godiva: Especially when we get liver yummies crushed in it!!!
Couper: How about Sunday Lunch, you know, where we get a chew treat while Mommy and Daddy eat lunch on Sunday.
Godiva: And Saturday too!!!
Couper: I know, but they still call it Sunday Lunch for some reason.
Godiva: Daddy and Mommy are strange sometimes.
Couper: Hey, enough about food, how have we gone this far without being thankful for playing?!?!?!?
Godiva: Well, playing is fun, but I don’t get to do it much. You always steal my toys.
Couper: Yeah, and toys too!!! Playing and toys!!! Oh I like playing and toys!!! Let’s quit this goofy list and play with toys!!!
Godiva: I think Daddy wants us to do this list.
Couper: Oh, yeah. I guess we owe it to him. He plays a lot. In the old house, he even played with me when he was in the shower. That was the best.
Godiva: I like playing too, but you…
Couper: And while watching TV. TV is great because daddy will just sit there and throw the ball while watching. He also plays when he is brushing his teeth. I sit around the corner and push the ball towards him, so he can’t see me, and then he kicks it out to me. Man, I could play all day with toys!!!
Godiva: always take the toy…
Couper: And outside is the best. Mommy says we got this new house just because the yard is big so that I could play. I like playing!!! And toys, did I mention toys???
Godiva: So I wind up chasing lizards. Hey,what about lizards? I don’t like lizards. Should we list that?
Couper: I think we’re only supposed to list things we like.
Godiva: I like chasing them.
Couper: But you don’t like lizards themselves. Let’s not list things we don’t like, like doorbells, and strangers, and loud noises, and other people playing, and other dogs barking, and unreachable toys, and baths, and wind, and cold.
Godiva: Yeah, let’s not list vacuums, and loud trucks, and motorcycles, and birds, and bunnies, and when Mommy and Daddy leave.
Couper: Agreed. We won’t list those.
Godiva: I like to chew things. Can we be thankful for chewing?
Couper: Sure. Chewing is great.
Godiva: We could list all our chew toys, like bones, and rope, and rugs, and blankets, and sofas, and toes.
Couper: Mommy and Daddy don’t like it when you chew a lot of those things. Especially toes.
Godiva: So, they can keep those off their list. They are making a list too, aren’t they?
Couper: Not sure. They don’t like when you steal laundry either. Should we put that on our list too?
Godiva: Yes!!! I love stealing socks!!! That’s the most fun.
Couper: Got it. This is tiring. Can we take a nap?
Godiva: Naps! Let’s list naps!
Couper: Great idea. Taking naps with Big Buddy on the sofa or Mommy on the bed are the best.
Godiva: And sleeping in the bed at night. That’s the best too!
Couper: I like sleeping between my Big Buddy’s legs.
Godiva: I like sleeping on my Mommy’s legs.
Couper: Sometimes I like to crawl under the covers and lick Big Buddy’s legs.
Godiva: I like to crawl on Daddy’s pillow and put my head on his face. Hey, should we list these?
Couper: We’ll list sleeping in the bed. They aren’t as excited about the other things as we are.
Godiva: I’m thankful they take me outside to go potty during the night.
Couper: They aren’t as thankful that you do that either.
Godiva: No wonder I don’t get yummies for that.
Couper: Hey, I’m thankful for neck rubs and belly rubs! I’ve learned that if you nudge under Mommy or Daddy’s hand with your head, they automatically give you a neck rub.
Godiva: I really like belly rubs!!! I can lie on my back for 10 minutes waiting for one.
Couper: OK, those are on the list. Anything else?
Godiva: Walks!!! I love walks!
Couper: Me too! We get to bark and pee and poop around the neighborhood.
Godiva: I just walk, but I like them anyway. I like to pull Mommy around. That’s fun.
Couper: I went to Kindergarten to learn not to pull Daddy. You’ll go and learn that someday too.
Godiva: But you still pull Daddy too.
Couper: I know. That’s what’s great about Kindergarten, we get a diploma and the people soon forget.
Godiva: Wow, you are the coolest big brother.
Couper: Alright, anything else? Are we forgetting anything?
Godiva: Did we list yummies?
Couper: Yup. And playing. We have playing and toys and playing.
Godiva: Hmmm. I can’t think of anything. Can you?
Couper: Nope, not really…
Godiva: Hey, what about Mommy…
Couper: and Daddy!
Godiva: Yeah, let’s list them. They’re pretty nice to us.
Couper: They sure are. I have been in other houses where I didn’t get this much stuff and attention. I’m glad they found me.
Godiva: I’m glad they found me too.
Couper: OK, I’m listing them. I hope we’re on their list too. They’re doing a list too, aren’t they?
Godiva: I hope so.

(Editor’s Note: Nope, we’re not doing a list)

Couper: This being Thankful is exhausting. Let's go outside, go potty, get a yummy, find Mommy and Daddy, take a nap, and get a belly rub.
Godiva: Sounds good to me.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving. As always, don’t dress your dachshunds up as Turkeys this week

Happy Halloweiner - The Worst Day of the Year for Dogs

2009-10-31T12:13:00.008-07:00

Happy Halloweiner from the Poop!

Without a doubt, Halloween is the worst day of the year for dogs.

First, you have the evil looking Halloween decorations:

Then you have all the kids ringing the doorbell:

And worst of all, you have those humans who just have to dress you up in some sort of ridiculous costume (or worse, multiple ridiculous costumes) and then have the nerve to laugh at you:

It has to get better tomorrow.

Happy Halloweiner. And please remember, don't dress your puppy up as a Butterfinger Bar. It might get eaten.

Scenes From a Spoiled Puppy's Birthday

2009-10-17T23:22:00.000-07:00

Scenes from Couper's seventh birthday party...

The presents sitting and waiting. One might observe that the table on which the presents are posing is awfully short. I wonder if that will come into play. One might also observe the stuff on the sofa. Yes, that pile was previously on the coffee table. Professional photographers might have moved them out of the camera shot. Professional photographers might also charge you for seeing these photos. I call it an even trade off.

"Come on mommy, let's go!!! We've got presents!!! Hurry!!!"

Somehow, Couper actually knows what presents are and assumes all presents are for him. I have no idea how he could presume such a thing after six years here. Couper also is noticing that the table seems awfully short.

The present on the far end is his "big present" and the one he is supposed to open last. Couper has different ideas.

From here, we miss Couper jumping on the table and knocking down a gift bag. In retrospect, I wish I had taken a picture of that, but in real time, I was shouting, "Couper, get off the table!!!!". Not sure why I should have been surprised by him jumping up there. Maybe I was just reacting the way I thought I was supposed to react.

Dachshund head in dachshund bag leaving only dachshund hiney. He does this with all the presents he gets. We have a hundred photos like this. It's amazing that we get to reuse these bags year after year for birthdays and Christmas. The tissue paper is a little less reusable.

The "big present". A puppy boomerang. It says it is virtually indestructible. We'll see.

Couper gets toys. Who knew he liked toys. A very interested observer comes over to check things out. "When is it my birthday???", thinks Godiva.

And it goes on and on like this. He gets lots of presents.

The loot. Toys, yummies, and cards. Yes, he got three cards. Nope, he still can't read.

And that's it for a spoiled puppy's birthday. What have we learned? Not much. I guess just that it is good to be a spoiled puppy. Where do we sign up for that gig?

Happy Birthday Couper!!!

2009-10-01T06:00:00.001-07:00

Happy seventh birthday to our site's founder and inspiration, Couper. Applying the seven years rule, he is now unofficially the oldest member of the household. Since he took control of the house years ago, there is little to be added for this honor.

Seven sounds old. It seems like yesterday that he was four. However, he has had a much better six than he had a five. Last year at this time he was coming off a summer of tummy problems and starting to have mysterious yelps whenever his nose was touched. He was sleeping in and not playing like he used to. He took a lot of medicine at five. I was almost ready to concede that he would never be back to his old playing self again. Thankfully the last year has been much better. He is like a puppy again. So, his six was a redo of his five, therefore, now he is six. Let's hope it is as good as his last six.

By the way, if he is six again, that makes me the elder of the house once more (I am not like a puppy again). It's kind of like getting a promotion without a raise. Congratulations to me!

Happy birthday Couper from the Poop!

Lizards, the Suburban Desert Badgers

2009-09-04T22:56:00.009-07:00

Dachshunds are bred to hunt badgers. Their floppy ears and long nose are for finding them. Their long thin bodies and powerful short legs are for tunneling to them. And their intense stubbornness is for fighting them. Living in the suburban desert southwest, we do not have a lot of badgers digging up the landscape. Not to worry, our dachshunds have found a worthy and plentiful alternative. Lizards.

It does not take a long time living in the desert southwest to become acquainted with lizards. They are to the southwest what frogs are to the northeast. They hang out around houses. They eat bugs. They scurry off to wherever they live. After a few sightings, you get over the fact that they look scary, and appreciate having them around. Unless of course, your unofficial job is to protect the house and the people inside it; in that case the lizard suddenly becomes your mortal enemy.

Our two dachshunds have taken fairly different approaches to lizards. Couper will chase them if he sees them. When the lizard gets away, Couper will easily shift back to his primary obsession, playing. Godiva, on the other hand, now has no greater obsession than lizards. It has overtaken stealing socks and biting toes. It sometimes interrupts her desire to eat. Way too often, it interrupts all our desires to sleep.

We are not sure when or how this obsession started. One day she was a normal puppy (well, kind of normal). The next, she was Wile E. Coyote. Somewhere in between she discovered lizards, chased lizards, found that lizards were fun to chase, found that lizards were very difficult to catch, and became amazed that lizards could disappear (escaping up walls or in holes). Suddenly, she went on a perpetual hunt.

She now likes to sit at the sliding glass door in the kitchen, looking out back. All of a sudden, you will hear her squeal. There are two choices, she has to go potty (unlikely) or she has seen a lizard. So, we let her out in the off chance that she has to do business.

Anytime she goes outside now, she sprints to one of the two places she associates with lizards. The first is in the back corner of the back yard. Behind our big mesquite tree, there are some extra tiles for the roof, which the previous owners stacked up and left. In the middle of the stack, there is an opening that a chased lizard must have crawled in once while escaping Godiva. She makes sure to check that gap and both sides of the tiles to make sure that lizard hasn’t come back. When she exhausts that corner, she goes all the way to the other corner of the back yard, which is actually a paved alley between houses which leads to a gate to the driveway. It is essentially where we keep the garbage and recycle cans. Apparently a lizard has escaped from her in the gap under the fence. Only when those two getaway routes have been cased, will she then get to the business of going potty, or just as likely, go inside until she wants to check again…usually 10 minutes later.

This is all well and good, except she has taken it to the next level. Instead of eating, she likes to sit by the door and look for passing lizards. While she stares, and squeals, and scratches on the glass, we have to make sure that Couper does not swoop in for a second helping of dinner. It becomes a little exhausting. However, not nearly as exhausting as when she wakes us up in the middle of the night for lizard patrol. Nothing is more aggravating than having her desperately wake us up, taking her out to go potty, and having her only check her lizard getaway spots. When she is done, she sits calmly on the mat at the door waiting to be let in while we go out of our minds pleading with her to go potty so that we don’t have to go through this again in another 45 minutes.

As for the hunt, when she actually does find a lizard, she has found that they are a formidable foe. They are very quick, very good at changing directions, very small which helps in hiding under things, and can climb higher than a dachshund can reach. Very tough to catch. Almost impossible. Almost.

One Saturday morning I was sleeping in. Godiva, Couper, and Couper/Godiva’s Mommy had gotten up to eat and do whatever it is that people and puppies do on Saturday morning (I have no idea). At one point, I heard a bit of a commotion outside. Couper/Godiva’s Mommy was yelling and there was some clanging. I didn’t hear any ambulances, and the shouting was over in a minute or two, so I rolled over and went back to sleep. When I woke up hours later, Couper/Godiva’s Mommy and I had the following conversation.

Couper/Godiva’s Mommy: Do you know what your daughter did this morning?
Big Buddy: Who? Huh? What?
C/GM: Godiva caught a lizard.
BB: What? Really? Cool.
(I see the look of disgust on Couper/Godiva’s Mommy’s face. I quickly recover)
BB: I mean, oh no, really?
C/GM: She saw one, started chasing it, cornered it, and somehow got it. I saw her running around with it. I started screaming at her to drop it, but she just kept running away. So I got a rake and tried to scare her. I eventually got it out of her mouth, but part of the tail was gone.
BB: Oh, no, that’s horrible. {Oh my god, that is the coolest thing ever. I can’t believe our little Godiva actually caught one of those things. Those are insanely impossible to catch. I wish I could have seen that. I bet it was incredible. Hey, can Couper/Godiva’s Mommy hear this? Of course not! Everyone knows when I put stuff in brackets and italics like this, I am only thinking this…Just have to put on the sad face and not say what I am thinking…which is this is freaking amazing!!!}
C/GM: And the lizard was clearly hurt. I tried to get Godiva away, but she would not go.
BB: Poor lizard. {I knew Godiva was quick, but this is incredible! I mean, I don’t like that the lizard was hurt, but, hey, it knew what it was getting into, coming into Godiva’s back yard. My little Godiva must be some kind of athlete. I am so secretly proud of her. Keep up the sad face thought…no prideful grins}
C/GM: The lizard started climbing the wall, but stopped about two feet up. I had to fight to keep Godiva away, but the lizard was just frozen there.
BB: Lizard must have been hurt or scared. {Damn right it was scared!!! It couldn’t escape from my girl Godiva when it was healthy, what chance does it have now! I wonder if any other dachshunds have ever caught a lizard. I bet Godiva is the first ever. I am so proud of her….must..keep… frowning…}
C/GM: So I had to push the lizard along with the rake until it got over the fence into the neighbor’s side.
BB: You mean the neighbors with the dachshund, puggle, and golden retriever?
C/GM: Yes.
BB: Oh. I’m sure it is fine.
C/GM: Anyhow, it was horrible getting that out of her mouth. Hopefully she didn’t eat the tail.
BB: Bad girl Godiva! {You awesome lizard catching dog} Don’t eat the lizards!

Eventually as time passed, I confessed to Couper/Godiva’s Mommy about how cool I thought it was that Godiva was able to catch the lizard. She decided that since I thought it was so cool, I could get it away from her next time. So, hopefully there will be no next time. Godiva’s proven her point. No need to repeat it. Anyhow, we like lizards. They eat bugs.

In the meantime, catching the lizard has done nothing to quench Godiva’s thirst for the chase. If anything, she is even more obsessed. At least our laundry is safer.

A Day at the Races

2009-07-06T13:39:00.010-07:00

I’ve always wanted to get into professional sports. With limited height, speed, and talent, my dreams of entering as a participant were shot down early. With a limited bankroll and limited earning potential (the Powerball basically, and that won’t cut it either) my dreams of ownership were shot down years ago too. I’ve sized up unborn children, and they do not look promising either. That leaves two options. The first is streaking across a major league baseball field. The second is racing our dogs. Thankfully we have dachshunds and not some non-racing breed like collies or corgis. So, with that in mind, Couper/Godiva’s Mommy and I went to Wiener Mania at Phoenix Greyhound Park this weekend to check out the Dachshund races.

We decided that we were not going to enter Couper or Godiva in the races this year. Having never seen dachshund racing before, we wanted to check it out to see, (1) if we actually wanted to race them in the future, (2) which of our dogs (or both) we might enter in the future, and (3) if this was fun in the sun, or cutthroat competition. Despite the invitation to bring non-participating dachshunds, we went puppy-less so that we could spend our time scouting and not worrying who was pooping where or who was attacking whom.

As we pulled into the greyhound park (by the way, does every city have an ordinance that the greyhound park has to be in the lousy part of town?), we saw a lot of people had brought their dachshunds. Two things were readily apparent. First, these dogs looked like dachshunds, but they were very well behaved. None of the dachshunds were charging people while the sister dachshund was echo barking. This confused and amazed us. The second thing we noticed was how thin these dachshunds were. Every once in a while someone will say to us that Couper or Godiva is getting a little pudgy. We know they are a couple of pounds heavy, but we also are pretty sure they are tweeners, somewhere between a miniature and a full-sized dachshund. However, most of the dachshunds at Wiener Mania were way thinner than either Couper or Godiva. We were not sure if that was because they were trained to race, or if our dogs are just plain heavy. As we found out, these dogs were not trained to race. Couper and Godiva are now on a diet. Kindergarten (for Godiva at least) is also on the to-do list. If nothing else, Wiener Mania made us feel like the worst dachshund parents ever. And, yes, we paid money and gave up a Sunday afternoon to feel bad about ourselves.

The mania began with a dachshund parade on the track. Dachshunds and their owners essentially walked the 50 yards or so that some of them would later race on. It was the cutest thing ever. Many of the dachshunds were dressed up. Dresses, cowboy hats, football jerseys, wigs. I’m not big on dressing dogs, but in this context it was kind of cute. I could see Godiva’s Mommy’s brain spinning out of control picking out Godiva’s wardrobe for next year.

The website that we read prior to going showed 64 dachshunds racing in 8 heats. When we got there, the program showed 96 dachshunds racing in 12 heats. This was good news on two fronts. One, more dachshund racing. Two, a better chance for Couper/Godiva to get in next year. Entry is based on raising funds for the Adopt a Greyhound charity. According to the website, the top 44 fundraisers got guaranteed slots. The next 20 slots were drawn randomly. I am not sure how they got from 64 racers to 96. Maybe there was a massive tie for 44th. Maybe the entrants were so cute, they could not turn them away. Anyhow, we can only hope for 128 participants next year. Fundraising sounds difficult. We want to rely on cute.

A standard greyhound race is 550 yards which is roughly one and a quarter laps (I know this not because I know the first thing about greyhound racing, rather that they have “550 Yards” plastered on the greyhound starting gates – kind of like how things were labeled in the old Batman show – “Bat Computer”). The dachshund course was laid out on what would be the home stretch of the greyhound course. The finish line was the same, I guess so they could use the photo finish technology if needed. About 50 yards away was the starting gate. They used a smaller variation of the greyhound starting gate, with a lever to raise the gates in front for a fair start.

Each dachshund racer had two human team members with it. One person took the dachshund to the starting gate. The other person was positioned on a line drawn about 5 yards behind the finish line. The goal was for the dachshund to run from the person at the gate to the person at the finish line. Just prior to post time, the starting person held the dachshund on top of the gate to find their person at the finish line, each of whom was jumping, waving, and squeezing toys.

Now, in a previous post, I took exception to people who laugh at dachshunds. I still hold firm to those beliefs. However, these races were hilarious. Each heat was the same. Upon lifting the gate, one, at most two, dachshunds took off sprinting towards their person at the finish line. The other six or seven racers meandered out of the gate took a few steps, and then turned looking for their person behind the starting gate. Rarely did any amount of encouragement from the starting person or the finish line person help these dachshunds actually run the race. Keep in mind that the top two places advanced to the semi-finals, so in each race, there was a clear cut winner, and then a significant delay as the other seven racers were wandering around the starting line. After about ten seconds of racelessness, anarchy ruled. The start people would come out from behind the starting gate to move their racer along one way or another. Mostly they ran down the course and if they were lucky, their dachshund followed. The less lucky had to back track and either push or carry their dachshund to the finish line. Clearly our fears of this being cutthroat competition were quelled.

We took in three sets of heats (9 races in all). That, along with the two greyhound races they insisted upon having in between, took two and a half hours. That was more than enough for us to scout and get sun burnt. Total damage for the day: $6 admission, $25 dachshund souvenirs (they saw us coming), $0 gambling losses. I was thinking about wagering on the greyhounds. I figured I would try to pick the first race without actually betting. As they paraded the greyhounds out I chose what looked to be a fine athlete, #3. Strangely, on the board, he seemed to be the longshot. On the front stretch my #3 was looking OK (by the way, the greyhounds chase a mechanical rabbit instead of racing towards their owner – not nearly as fun). The first turn clearly pointed out my puppy’s weakness. He couldn’t corner. As all the other dogs hugged the inside rail, my dog meandered to the outside rail. Race over. He finished dead last. Made Santa’s Little Helper look like Secretariat. In the long run, it was good, because he taught me a valuable lesson: don’t bet money on something you think you might know about, but really don’t have the slightest clue about (though, to my credit, I did say that #4 looked feisty and he wound up winning the race). Or as they say in the mob, “never bet on anything youse don’t know the outcome of beforehand.”

So, other than I should never gamble, what else did we learn?

We should have no problem entering Couper or Godiva in the races. We can’t do any worse than most of the competitors. Well, I guess they could run backwards. Or they could attack somebody. Those might be worse. However, in one of the heats, the winner not only ran to its owner at finish line, he kept going. Not around the track, which would have been cool, but over the outside rail and into the park’s outskirts. It took all of the greyhound stewards to track him down. We certainly can’t do worse than that.

We went into this figuring that Godiva would be our racer next year. She is younger, faster, and would actually run to her mommy. Couper is fast, but would really only run if chasing a ball. We figured throwing a ball was illegal, and, not reading any ruled, we still figure it is as none of the people threw one, and most of dachshunds could have used the help. However, there are a couple of things to consider:

The racers have to wear a racing bib. Godiva hates wearing anything. She still is not thrilled about wearing a collar. When wearing clothes, she practically shuts down. At best she tries to chew herself out of them. We would have to get her used to this or I will have to carry her down the track.
The starting gate. I am 99% sure that Godiva will get freaked out by this. Basically it is a three walled room and then the front wall goes away to start the race. My guess is that most of the dachshunds that meandered around the starting gate were pissed off about the starting gate and looking for the moron who put them in there.
The crowd. Godiva may get freaked out by all the people. She gets freaked out and hides when people she has met come to the house. We are not sure how she will react to hundreds of people laughing. On the other hand, Couper would probably try to take them all on.

I have a theory that we could get Couper to race if we have his mommy at the starting line, and she acted like the person next to her was hurting her. He would race down to attack. Yes, it may cost a few innocent people some blood, but we might win a trophy. It all evens out in the end.

So, we have 11 months or so to train and decided which puppy to take. As you can see from the photo to the right, training is well under way. Look out next May!

Happy Daddy's Day!!!

2009-06-21T11:00:00.007-07:00

Happy Daddy's Day from the Poop!!!

Rather than write myself a self serving, if not well deserved, tribute, I will relate something that happened just yesterday.

Godiva has been very picky about eating recently. We figure it is one of three things: she is tired of what we are feeding her (which, considering what we feed her and that making it is a four step process, she has little to complain about); she is preoccupied with her new obsession, chasing birds and lizards; she isn't feeling good. She has, for the most part, been her usual feisty self, so we think she is OK, but she has been a little bit more cuddly lately.

So to rule out an upset tummy, we decided to try a trick that has worked with Couper. We take two slices of cheese (which either will eat, no matter how bad they feel) and fill it with Fortiflora, which is a pro biotic (think Activia - "I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, the bloating lady" - Hollywood is so cruel to actresses over 50). Anyhow, it works wonders for Couper, so we figured we would try it just in case Godiva was bloating.

The problem yesterday was with the cheese. One of the packages we had was already open and a few days past the expiration date. I opened it and it looked OK. It smelled OK. So, I decided to try one to make sure it was safe. Think about that for a second. I was the royal taster for our dogs. I'm no sociologist, but I am guessing in many other societies (and many families in our society for that matter) that things are the other way around; dogs do the life or death tasting for the humans. Yes, reason 548 that it is good to be our dogs.

Anyhow, Godiva did eventually eat her food. Couper got a nice unexpected treat (make a Fortiflora and Cheese sandwich for one, you make it for all). And we all made it to Daddy's Day, despite the iffy cheese.

Godiva Gets Potty Trained (By Jove, I Think She’s Got It)

2009-05-19T21:28:00.004-07:00

The alleged point of this blog is to document our dogs’ events for future amusement or to use as a learning tool. Say the event is that our puppy is now potty trained. Now say that we got a puppy somewhere down the line (not in the near future, thank you). We could then go back to our blog and find exactly how we accomplished potty training with our previous puppies.

Guess what? You’ll never guess. Not in a million years. Give up? Godiva is potty trained. Unless we ignore her for hours on end, she does all her potties outside now. When she needs to go she either tries to get our attention and/or runs to the back door.

How did we do it?

Well…

/Crickets chirping

Uh, umm, ah…

/Scratches head

I guess it was, nope, wasn’t that…

/Stares blankly into space

I’m not really sure how it happened. It sure was not a planned coherent strategy brilliantly executed. It was likely more a bunch of random crap thrown together that somehow maybe worked. Kind of like Laugh In. So, what is this magical random crap?

Reward the heck out of her: Whenever she did a potty outside, we immediately rewarded her upon going back inside. It sounds like in and of itself, this would work. It might. Except that we made it confusing. Being softies, we also rewarded her if Couper went outside to go potty and she went along. This sounds like the following, “Good boy Couper for going potty outside. Here’s your yummie. Well, you helped Godiva, you get a yummie too”. Strangely, this somehow led Godiva to believe that she deserved a yummie any time that she went outside. Stranger still, she wants to go outside a lot.
“Encourage” her when she went potty inside. By encourage I mean, yell, point, say “bad girl”, stick her nose near the mess.
Take her outside constantly and wait out there until she went potty so that the chances are better that she will go while out there rather than inside.
Put down a pee pad in the kitchen and hope out of pure random luck she goes on it and likes it. This never really worked. She did hit it once or twice. Sometimes she came close. Usually she just chewed up the pad.

This, strangely, is the same way that Couper got potty trained. Amazingly, like Couper, Godiva demands to be watched while going so that she can be rewarded. Don’t normal people just send their dogs out and assume they went? Normal people are strange.

Godiva One Year Later

2009-05-19T21:17:00.005-07:00

As usual, this is late, but on the first of May, Godiva has been with us for a whole year. So what do we know a year later?

We have documented many times on this blog that Godiva is a serial laundry stealer and finger/toe biter. This has not changed one bit. I think she steals laundry because she knows we will chase her, and she loves being chased. She bites fingers/toes for two reasons (other than they are yummy). One, to get attention. Two, when she has to go potty. Which leads to...
We are going to be like the networks on election night and declare her potty trained. All the votes aren't in, but the data is definitely leaning towards it. This deserves and will get its own post.
Couper is getting better with her, but still gets territorial with his mommy and me or his toys. Godiva can be very lovey towards Couper one minute, and then relentlessly chew on him the next. Her new favorite thing to do while Couper and I are cuddling on the sofa watching TV is to creep around the other sofa, poke her head out, and roar like a little Harley at Couper. On cue, he leaps from my lap (which hurts like hell, thank you very much) and chases her around the living room. This is often much more entertaining than what is on TV.
She still sleeps in her crate in the bedroom, but desperately wants to be like Couper and sleep in the bed. This is also a separate post.

Despite only being with us a year, it is hard to remember her not being with us. Sometimes I will talk about something that happened, say, two years ago and I will say something like, "and we brought the puppies, I mean puppy, we only had Couper then."

So, congratulations on making it a year Godiva. If you are good, we might make it two.

Happy Mommy's Day!!!

2009-05-10T19:05:00.004-07:00

Happy Mommy's Day from the Poop! Couper and Godiva want to say thank you to their mommy for all the things she does and all the stuff she puts up with. Sometimes just barely puts up with. She is the nicest dachshund mommy in the whole wide world. They promise, if just for this day, to be good puppies and be super nice to their mommy. As for tomorrow, all bets are off.

DVD Review - Marley and Me

2009-04-03T21:57:00.013-07:00

Marley and Me is the film adaptation of the book by John Grogan about the world’s worst dog starring the blond guy with the distracting nose from Wedding Crashers (Owen Wilson) and the popular girl from Friends (Jennifer Aniston). Owen and Jen (we’re all on a first name basis here) are newspaper writers in Florida who buy a discounted yellow lab as a test to see if they are ready to start a family. As it turns out, they buy the world’s worst dog. Marley cannot be controlled and worse yet, Owen and Jen do not seem to want to control him. Marley fails obedience school and then proceeds to destroy the garage, the living room, wedding rings, and baby sitters. Meanwhile, Owen falls ass backward into a newspaper column, and with nothing else to write about, he writes about his insane dog. He gains enough fame and fortune for Jen to quit her job and start a family. All the while, Marley grows older, but never grows up.

It all sounds like good clean fun, and for the most part, it is. However, I had two problems with the movie:

Problem 1. The ending. The movie is roughly 90 minutes long. Watch about the first hour. More specifically, get to the point where the family moves to Pennsylvania and enjoys their first snow fall. At the end of that scene, grab your DVD remote, click stop, eject the DVD, put it in the case, put the case back in your bookshelf, and enjoy your evening. The rest of the movie is Marley gets old, Marley gets sick, and Marley dies.

We saw this in the theater around Christmas when it came out. My sister and her family, including my 8 year old nephew had been out for the week. Of course my nephew loved playing with Couper (and Godiva too) and of course Couper was having the time of his life playing and didn’t know when to stop. By the end of the week Couper was exhausted. He was also throwing up, had diarrhea, and was very lethargic. We were afraid that he hurt his back and/or was having a re-occurrence of stomach problems that had plagued him the previous summer and fall. He was scheduled to see the vet the morning after we went to the movie. So I was already worried about a vet visit and concerned about Couper getting old and/or being hurt.

Right before the movie, we went to the puppy store in the mall. Being that it was Christmas time, I had been in the mall way too many times in the past month. There was a little male dachshund in the store that Couper’s Mommy and I kept seeing. Usually puppies get bought or cycled out, especially around Christmas, but this one was still there. At four months old, he was starting to get a little old for the store. So, when we stopped in the store that night (by law, we have to stop in the puppy store when we go to the mall), there he was again. We were sad that nobody had picked him up for Christmas. However, on the way out, we noticed that a family had taken our little dachshund out of the window and was playing with him in one of the rooms. We spent the next five minutes talking about how we hoped that family bought him.

So, going into the movie, I was already way too emotional about dogs. Finally, as the movie started I had a horrible thought. I remember having read the book and I thought to myself, “Uh oh, I’m not going to like the ending to this”. When I read the book, I stopped reading a scene beyond where I just told you to stop the movie. In that scene Owen and Marley go for their usual walk, but Marley can’t continue half way through and Owen has to carry Marley home. I was reading the book in a public place, and I knew if I read any further I was going to break down. I closed the book, removed the bookmark, brought it home, put it on the bookshelf, and enjoyed my evening.

In the theater, I began getting ahead of the film. How far are they going to go? This is a family film opening on Christmas; they can’t take the story to the end, right? How am I going to make it through this if they do take it to the end? The opening credits weren’t done, and I was already on the verge of crying.

They took it to the end. And I pretty much didn’t make it through it. The last half hour was among the most excruciating half hours I can remember. And even though I was a mess going into the movie, if you don’t cry at the end of this movie, you likely have no soul. Of course the movie spares no opportunity to make sure you cry. My questions to the producers/directors: Did we have to see the injection? Did we have to see Marley being put in the ground? Did we have to see the kids covering him with dirt? Do you even like dogs? Or your audience?

Problem 2. The plot sounds a little familiar does it not? Replace Owen and Jen with me and Couper’s Mommy. Replace writers with whatever it is we do for a living (I forget sometimes). Replace a yellow lab with two dachshunds. Replace a popular award winning newspaper column with a much neglected blog. Replace failing obedience school with passing puppy kindergarten as the only entrant. It is practically the same thing. I demand retribution for the theft of my story!

The theatrical release of Marley and Me made $215M at the box office. That is not including book sales, DVD releases, cable licensing, Pay Per View, and merchandise. What will we do with all that money? Make a movie of course. Since I am sure our new friends at the movie studios do not want to market a film called Couper’s Poop, so we’ll settle on calling it Couper, Godiva, and Us.

Who will we get to star in this blockbuster?

Couper and Godiva: Couper and Godiva. Yes, we are making screen stars out of our puppies. More money in our pockets. Hollywood will have to work their CGI magic to make them puppies. We are not splitting our piece of the pie with high priced doggie actors. Need more money to make it work, sue Grogan again.

Couper’s Mommy: Jennifer Aniston. I know, she played the similar role in Marley and Me. However, Couper’s Mommy likes Jennifer Aniston. I also envision that Jen is at the phase of her career where she plays a string of roles as the girlfriend/wife dog owner; just with different breeds each time.

For fun, let’s fast forward to the red carpet at the 2012 Oscars. Jen and her date Bubbles the Chimp has an accidental meeting with Brad and Angie. I think it goes something like this:

Jen: Excuse me. Oh, hello Brad. Hello Angelina.
Brad: Hi Jen
Angie: Hello Jennifer. Whatever are you doing here?
Jen: I am presenting this year. Best Director for an Animated Short…
Angie: Thanks for asking. Yes I was nominated again. Best Lead Actress for my work in Friends The Movie. I play Rachel Green. The critics adored me...said I brought depth and complexity to a previously dull one-dimensional character. Brad! Eyes front and center! I am the only starlet on the carpet! That Miley Cirus is barely legal! Anyhow, Jennifer, are you still working?
Jen: Um, yes. I just wrapped a movie where I play the wife of a Corgi owner called Corky and I. I start filming a movie next month where I am the wife of a Shih tzu owner called Shitzy and Myself.
Angie: Yes, my dress is stunning, thanks for noticing. It is a…Brad!!! Stop ogling that slut Jessica Alba! She is nothing but a home wrecker!!!
Jen: Yeah, uh, good luck…

Big Buddy: The late Bert Convey. Hollywood is going to have to work its magic again, but really there was nobody as versatile as the underrated Convey. In the 1970s and 80s if you needed someone to play the bad guy on Charlie’s Angels, you called Bert Convey. If were the producers of the Love Boat and you needed a swinging bachelor who had to decide which Landers sister to marry, you called Bert Convey. If you needed somebody to tell a few jokes and belt out a song or two on the Dinah Shore Show, you called Bert Convey. If you needed someone to wear a bad sweater and trade yucks with Dom Deluise on Win Lose or Draw, you called Bert Convey. So in 2010, if you need somebody who can play the owner of two dachshunds, you dig up the late Bert Convey.

We may not actually get such great actors for our film, but no matter what, our film will end better than Marley and Me.

Side Note 1: Couper turned out to be fine. Turns out he was just exhausted and a little dehydrated. Just for good measure, on the morning we were to go to the vet, Godiva had the worst looking diarrhea I ever saw. It was like eight colors. Given all the unknowns that she chews on and eats (pretty much anything she can get her jowls around), it is amazing she does not have diarrhea more often. So, we figured while we were going to the vet, we would bring her along too. She was fine as well. However, her poop cost us an extra $100. Nice timing Godiva!

Side Note 2: The next time we went to the puppy store at the mall, our dachshund puppy was gone. We are sticking with the theory that the family that looked at him that night bought him.

Side Note 3: The only other time I cried openly at the movies also involved my sister. She took me to Snoopy Come Home when I was 6 years old. The plot essentially is that Snoopy is called back by his previous owner, a little girl who is in the hospital. Charlie Brown and the gang have a big farewell party for Snoopy and all the characters start bawling. I completely lost it. My sister had to take me out to the lobby to settle me down. I probably should not be allowed to go to dog movies. The only time I remember weeping after a movie was when I saw Cocktail, and the theater manager would not give me my $5 back.

Side Note 4: This review is based solely on the theatrical release of the movie. I have no plans on getting the DVD. I am fairly certain that I will not be getting it as a present. The DVD may have fun extras or a “Family Cut” or whatever they do to DVDs. I don’t know and will not find out.