A Christmas Miracle

No, nobody saved a life, or rescued a child from a presentless Christmas, or made a 7 course meal out of gruel and tree bark. But I think this ranks right up there.

Take a look at the following picture:

Looks like an ordinary stocking ornament on a tree, right?

Now take a look in a wider context:

Looks like the ornament is near the bottom of the tree. Nothing extraordinary there still, no?

Now look at this picture:


Uh, oh. Trouble.

Here is the miracle. That stocking stayed in that position on the tree for a whole month of December. We had bet it would be gone by the 3rd.

Top that Tiny Tim!

Oh Dachshund Tree

The world's largest and finest Dachshund tree*. (Click on picture for larger view)

Merry Christmas from the Poop!

* Based on no actual research. May not be the world's largest or finest Dachshund tree. May in fact be the world's smallest and lousiest Dachshund tree. However, it is the only Dachshund tree we have, and it is a mighty nice Dacshund tree at that.

Couper and Godiva Give Thanks

This year for Thanksgiving, I have assigned Couper and Godiva to sit down and write about all the things for which they are thankful. How did they do that? We have a WoofToEnglish Didactic Transmodulator 3000 hooked to the USB2 port. What, like there is another way?

Couper: So, Big Buddy wants us to list all the things that make us thankful
Godiva: What is thankful?
Couper: All the things we like.
Godiva: Tail waggers?
Couper: Sure
Godiva: I have one!!! Yummies!!! Yummies!!! Yummies!!!
Couper: Alright already. I heard you the first time. Yummies!!!
Godiva: Ooh. I love yummies! They’re delicious.
Couper: I know, they’re like, yummy. Maybe we should list all the things we do to get yummies. Like poop.
Godiva: Pooping is fun!!! Daddy says so. He says it is because it is stinky and we get to use our hinies.
Couper: Yeah, I’ve heard him say that too. I never thought pooping was quite as fun as he makes it seem.
Godiva: But we get yummies for it!
Couper: Yup, so it goes on the list.
Godiva: I guess peeing should go on the list too.
Couper: I agree. Now that is fun. I get to pee on things like trees, and bushes, and patio lamps, and house columns, and your pee.
Godiva: Why do you do that?
Couper: Because I am top dog.
Godiva: Says who?
Couper: Says me, because I pee on top of your pee.
Godiva: Oh. I don’t really pee on anything, but it is fun, because we get yummies, if we do it outside.
Couper: Yeah, outside seems important. I’m not sure why we have to pee and poop outside all the time, and I only see mommy or Big Buddy pee or poop outside sometimes.
Godiva: Maybe we should list going outside.
Couper: Going potty outside, or just going outside?
Godiva: Just going outside. Sometimes we get a yummie just for doing that.
Couper: I know. It’s confusing, but I’m not complaining. Know what else is cool? When we go outside and only I pee, then we go inside and both get a yummie. And then you sit at the door a minute later and we both go outside and you pee and we go inside and both get a yummie again. That’s much better than when we go outside once and both pee and then only get one yummie.
Godiva: Yeah! Thanks for teaching me that one early on. Should we list that?
Couper: Nope. We don’t want anyone to know our secret.
Godiva: Yeah, like the refuse the first yummie trick?
Couper: Right, where I refuse to eat the first yummie, so then Big Buddy gives me a second yummie and I then eat both.
Godiva: Genius!!!
Couper: Thanks. Let’s not list that either.
Godiva: So what should we list?
Couper: Well, we get yummies for sitting. Let’s list that.
Godiva: Good one. I don’t get that either. We just sit and get a yummie for it.
Couper: I know. How easy is that. If they gave Big Buddy a yummie every time he sat, he would weigh 450 pounds.
Godiva: Good one, Couper. Should we list all the yummies we like?
Couper: No, that would take too much time. Hey, know what else? We eat din din too. I like din din.
Godiva: Me too. I’m really thankful when Mommy or Daddy crush a liver yummie in it. I like to pretend I’m not interested until they do. So it’s kinda like another thing that we get a yummie for.
Couper: Yeah, I get one too. Thanks. Getting a yummie for eating din din. That’s pretty nice.
Godiva: And breakfast too! Let’s list that.
Couper: Yeah, that’s good too. I hear Mommy say all the time that it takes longer to make our breakfast than her and daddy’s breakfast. It is a delicious breakfast!
Godiva: Especially when we get liver yummies crushed in it!!!
Couper: How about Sunday Lunch, you know, where we get a chew treat while Mommy and Daddy eat lunch on Sunday.
Godiva: And Saturday too!!!
Couper: I know, but they still call it Sunday Lunch for some reason.
Godiva: Daddy and Mommy are strange sometimes.
Couper: Hey, enough about food, how have we gone this far without being thankful for playing?!?!?!?
Godiva: Well, playing is fun, but I don’t get to do it much. You always steal my toys.
Couper: Yeah, and toys too!!! Playing and toys!!! Oh I like playing and toys!!! Let’s quit this goofy list and play with toys!!!
Godiva: I think Daddy wants us to do this list.
Couper: Oh, yeah. I guess we owe it to him. He plays a lot. In the old house, he even played with me when he was in the shower. That was the best.
Godiva: I like playing too, but you…
Couper: And while watching TV. TV is great because daddy will just sit there and throw the ball while watching. He also plays when he is brushing his teeth. I sit around the corner and push the ball towards him, so he can’t see me, and then he kicks it out to me. Man, I could play all day with toys!!!
Godiva: always take the toy…
Couper: And outside is the best. Mommy says we got this new house just because the yard is big so that I could play. I like playing!!! And toys, did I mention toys???
Godiva: So I wind up chasing lizards. Hey,what about lizards? I don’t like lizards. Should we list that?
Couper: I think we’re only supposed to list things we like.
Godiva: I like chasing them.
Couper: But you don’t like lizards themselves. Let’s not list things we don’t like, like doorbells, and strangers, and loud noises, and other people playing, and other dogs barking, and unreachable toys, and baths, and wind, and cold.
Godiva: Yeah, let’s not list vacuums, and loud trucks, and motorcycles, and birds, and bunnies, and when Mommy and Daddy leave.
Couper: Agreed. We won’t list those.
Godiva: I like to chew things. Can we be thankful for chewing?
Couper: Sure. Chewing is great.
Godiva: We could list all our chew toys, like bones, and rope, and rugs, and blankets, and sofas, and toes.
Couper: Mommy and Daddy don’t like it when you chew a lot of those things. Especially toes.
Godiva: So, they can keep those off their list. They are making a list too, aren’t they?
Couper: Not sure. They don’t like when you steal laundry either. Should we put that on our list too?
Godiva: Yes!!! I love stealing socks!!! That’s the most fun.
Couper: Got it. This is tiring. Can we take a nap?
Godiva: Naps! Let’s list naps!
Couper: Great idea. Taking naps with Big Buddy on the sofa or Mommy on the bed are the best.
Godiva: And sleeping in the bed at night. That’s the best too!
Couper: I like sleeping between my Big Buddy’s legs.
Godiva: I like sleeping on my Mommy’s legs.
Couper: Sometimes I like to crawl under the covers and lick Big Buddy’s legs.
Godiva: I like to crawl on Daddy’s pillow and put my head on his face. Hey, should we list these?
Couper: We’ll list sleeping in the bed. They aren’t as excited about the other things as we are.
Godiva: I’m thankful they take me outside to go potty during the night.
Couper: They aren’t as thankful that you do that either.
Godiva: No wonder I don’t get yummies for that.
Couper: Hey, I’m thankful for neck rubs and belly rubs! I’ve learned that if you nudge under Mommy or Daddy’s hand with your head, they automatically give you a neck rub.
Godiva: I really like belly rubs!!! I can lie on my back for 10 minutes waiting for one.
Couper: OK, those are on the list. Anything else?
Godiva: Walks!!! I love walks!
Couper: Me too! We get to bark and pee and poop around the neighborhood.
Godiva: I just walk, but I like them anyway. I like to pull Mommy around. That’s fun.
Couper: I went to Kindergarten to learn not to pull Daddy. You’ll go and learn that someday too.
Godiva: But you still pull Daddy too.
Couper: I know. That’s what’s great about Kindergarten, we get a diploma and the people soon forget.
Godiva: Wow, you are the coolest big brother.
Couper: Alright, anything else? Are we forgetting anything?
Godiva: Did we list yummies?
Couper: Yup. And playing. We have playing and toys and playing.
Godiva: Hmmm. I can’t think of anything. Can you?
Couper: Nope, not really…
Godiva: Hey, what about Mommy…
Couper: and Daddy!
Godiva: Yeah, let’s list them. They’re pretty nice to us.
Couper: They sure are. I have been in other houses where I didn’t get this much stuff and attention. I’m glad they found me.
Godiva: I’m glad they found me too.
Couper: OK, I’m listing them. I hope we’re on their list too. They’re doing a list too, aren’t they?
Godiva: I hope so.

(Editor’s Note: Nope, we’re not doing a list)

Couper: This being Thankful is exhausting. Let's go outside, go potty, get a yummy, find Mommy and Daddy, take a nap, and get a belly rub.
Godiva: Sounds good to me.


Have a Happy Thanksgiving. As always, don’t dress your dachshunds up as Turkeys this week

Happy Halloweiner - The Worst Day of the Year for Dogs

Happy Halloweiner from the Poop!

Without a doubt, Halloween is the worst day of the year for dogs.

First, you have the evil looking Halloween decorations:


Then you have all the kids ringing the doorbell:

And worst of all, you have those humans who just have to dress you up in some sort of ridiculous costume (or worse, multiple ridiculous costumes) and then have the nerve to laugh at you:


It has to get better tomorrow.

Happy Halloweiner. And please remember, don't dress your puppy up as a Butterfinger Bar. It might get eaten.

Scenes From a Spoiled Puppy's Birthday

Scenes from Couper's seventh birthday party...

The presents sitting and waiting. One might observe that the table on which the presents are posing is awfully short. I wonder if that will come into play. One might also observe the stuff on the sofa. Yes, that pile was previously on the coffee table. Professional photographers might have moved them out of the camera shot. Professional photographers might also charge you for seeing these photos. I call it an even trade off.

"Come on mommy, let's go!!! We've got presents!!!  Hurry!!!"

Somehow, Couper actually knows what presents are and assumes all presents are for him. I have no idea how he could presume such a thing after six years here. Couper also is noticing that the table seems awfully short.

The present on the far end is his "big present" and the one he is supposed to open last. Couper has different ideas.

From here, we miss Couper jumping on the table and knocking down a gift bag.  In retrospect, I wish I had taken a picture of that, but in real time, I was shouting, "Couper, get off the table!!!!".  Not sure why I should have been surprised by him jumping up there.  Maybe I was just reacting the way I thought I was supposed to react.

Dachshund head in dachshund bag leaving only dachshund hiney.  He does this with all the presents he gets.  We have a hundred photos like this.  It's amazing that we get to reuse these bags year after year for birthdays and Christmas.  The tissue paper is a little less reusable.

The "big present".  A puppy boomerang.  It says it is virtually indestructible.  We'll see.

Couper gets toys.  Who knew he liked toys.  A very interested observer comes over to check things out.  "When is it my birthday???", thinks Godiva.

And it goes on and on like this.  He gets lots of presents.

The loot.  Toys, yummies, and cards.  Yes, he got three cards.  Nope, he still can't read.

And that's it for a spoiled puppy's birthday.  What have we learned?  Not much.  I guess just that it is good to be a spoiled puppy.  Where do we sign up for that gig?

Happy Birthday Couper!!!

Happy seventh birthday to our site's founder and inspiration, Couper. Applying the seven years rule, he is now unofficially the oldest member of the household. Since he took control of the house years ago, there is little to be added for this honor.

Seven sounds old. It seems like yesterday that he was four. However, he has had a much better six than he had a five. Last year at this time he was coming off a summer of tummy problems and starting to have mysterious yelps whenever his nose was touched. He was sleeping in and not playing like he used to. He took a lot of medicine at five. I was almost ready to concede that he would never be back to his old playing self again. Thankfully the last year has been much better. He is like a puppy again. So, his six was a redo of his five, therefore, now he is six. Let's hope it is as good as his last six.

By the way, if he is six again, that makes me the elder of the house once more (I am not like a puppy again). It's kind of like getting a promotion without a raise. Congratulations to me!

Happy birthday Couper from the Poop!

Lizards, the Suburban Desert Badgers

Dachshunds are bred to hunt badgers. Their floppy ears and long nose are for finding them. Their long thin bodies and powerful short legs are for tunneling to them. And their intense stubbornness is for fighting them. Living in the suburban desert southwest, we do not have a lot of badgers digging up the landscape. Not to worry, our dachshunds have found a worthy and plentiful alternative. Lizards.

It does not take a long time living in the desert southwest to become acquainted with lizards. They are to the southwest what frogs are to the northeast. They hang out around houses. They eat bugs. They scurry off to wherever they live. After a few sightings, you get over the fact that they look scary, and appreciate having them around. Unless of course, your unofficial job is to protect the house and the people inside it; in that case the lizard suddenly becomes your mortal enemy.

Our two dachshunds have taken fairly different approaches to lizards. Couper will chase them if he sees them. When the lizard gets away, Couper will easily shift back to his primary obsession, playing. Godiva, on the other hand, now has no greater obsession than lizards. It has overtaken stealing socks and biting toes. It sometimes interrupts her desire to eat. Way too often, it interrupts all our desires to sleep.

We are not sure when or how this obsession started. One day she was a normal puppy (well, kind of normal). The next, she was Wile E. Coyote. Somewhere in between she discovered lizards, chased lizards, found that lizards were fun to chase, found that lizards were very difficult to catch, and became amazed that lizards could disappear (escaping up walls or in holes). Suddenly, she went on a perpetual hunt.

She now likes to sit at the sliding glass door in the kitchen, looking out back. All of a sudden, you will hear her squeal. There are two choices, she has to go potty (unlikely) or she has seen a lizard. So, we let her out in the off chance that she has to do business.

Anytime she goes outside now, she sprints to one of the two places she associates with lizards. The first is in the back corner of the back yard. Behind our big mesquite tree, there are some extra tiles for the roof, which the previous owners stacked up and left. In the middle of the stack, there is an opening that a chased lizard must have crawled in once while escaping Godiva. She makes sure to check that gap and both sides of the tiles to make sure that lizard hasn’t come back. When she exhausts that corner, she goes all the way to the other corner of the back yard, which is actually a paved alley between houses which leads to a gate to the driveway. It is essentially where we keep the garbage and recycle cans. Apparently a lizard has escaped from her in the gap under the fence. Only when those two getaway routes have been cased, will she then get to the business of going potty, or just as likely, go inside until she wants to check again…usually 10 minutes later.

This is all well and good, except she has taken it to the next level. Instead of eating, she likes to sit by the door and look for passing lizards. While she stares, and squeals, and scratches on the glass, we have to make sure that Couper does not swoop in for a second helping of dinner. It becomes a little exhausting. However, not nearly as exhausting as when she wakes us up in the middle of the night for lizard patrol. Nothing is more aggravating than having her desperately wake us up, taking her out to go potty, and having her only check her lizard getaway spots. When she is done, she sits calmly on the mat at the door waiting to be let in while we go out of our minds pleading with her to go potty so that we don’t have to go through this again in another 45 minutes.

As for the hunt, when she actually does find a lizard, she has found that they are a formidable foe. They are very quick, very good at changing directions, very small which helps in hiding under things, and can climb higher than a dachshund can reach. Very tough to catch. Almost impossible. Almost.

One Saturday morning I was sleeping in. Godiva, Couper, and Couper/Godiva’s Mommy had gotten up to eat and do whatever it is that people and puppies do on Saturday morning (I have no idea). At one point, I heard a bit of a commotion outside. Couper/Godiva’s Mommy was yelling and there was some clanging. I didn’t hear any ambulances, and the shouting was over in a minute or two, so I rolled over and went back to sleep. When I woke up hours later, Couper/Godiva’s Mommy and I had the following conversation.

Couper/Godiva’s Mommy: Do you know what your daughter did this morning?
Big Buddy: Who? Huh? What?
C/GM: Godiva caught a lizard.
BB: What? Really? Cool.
(I see the look of disgust on Couper/Godiva’s Mommy’s face. I quickly recover)
BB: I mean, oh no, really?
C/GM: She saw one, started chasing it, cornered it, and somehow got it. I saw her running around with it. I started screaming at her to drop it, but she just kept running away. So I got a rake and tried to scare her. I eventually got it out of her mouth, but part of the tail was gone.
BB: Oh, no, that’s horrible. {Oh my god, that is the coolest thing ever. I can’t believe our little Godiva actually caught one of those things. Those are insanely impossible to catch. I wish I could have seen that. I bet it was incredible. Hey, can Couper/Godiva’s Mommy hear this? Of course not! Everyone knows when I put stuff in brackets and italics like this, I am only thinking this…Just have to put on the sad face and not say what I am thinking…which is this is freaking amazing!!!}
C/GM: And the lizard was clearly hurt. I tried to get Godiva away, but she would not go.
BB: Poor lizard. {I knew Godiva was quick, but this is incredible! I mean, I don’t like that the lizard was hurt, but, hey, it knew what it was getting into, coming into Godiva’s back yard. My little Godiva must be some kind of athlete. I am so secretly proud of her. Keep up the sad face thought…no prideful grins}
C/GM: The lizard started climbing the wall, but stopped about two feet up. I had to fight to keep Godiva away, but the lizard was just frozen there.
BB: Lizard must have been hurt or scared. {Damn right it was scared!!! It couldn’t escape from my girl Godiva when it was healthy, what chance does it have now! I wonder if any other dachshunds have ever caught a lizard. I bet Godiva is the first ever. I am so proud of her….must..keep… frowning…}
C/GM: So I had to push the lizard along with the rake until it got over the fence into the neighbor’s side.
BB: You mean the neighbors with the dachshund, puggle, and golden retriever?
C/GM: Yes.
BB: Oh. I’m sure it is fine.
C/GM: Anyhow, it was horrible getting that out of her mouth. Hopefully she didn’t eat the tail.
BB: Bad girl Godiva! {You awesome lizard catching dog} Don’t eat the lizards!

Eventually as time passed, I confessed to Couper/Godiva’s Mommy about how cool I thought it was that Godiva was able to catch the lizard. She decided that since I thought it was so cool, I could get it away from her next time. So, hopefully there will be no next time. Godiva’s proven her point. No need to repeat it. Anyhow, we like lizards. They eat bugs.

In the meantime, catching the lizard has done nothing to quench Godiva’s thirst for the chase. If anything, she is even more obsessed. At least our laundry is safer.