Puppy Bowl IV

Please don't forget about the big game this Sunday. Of course I mean Puppy Bowl IV on all day on the Animal Planet (check local listings). If you somehow missed Puppy Bowls I-III, I will let our friends at Animal Planet describe it...

From baby beagles to mini dachshunds to mixed breeds — viewers are in for a fantastic lineup that's itching to play in a winning combination of tackles, puppy penalties and fido first downs. The renowned Harry Kalas, voice of NFL Films, returns to call the play-by-plays of this year's game.

They brought up the mini dachshund, not me. If you are anywhere near legalized wagering, bet on Couper's favorite player, Jack, to rip up the most toys, knock over that overrated Shih Tzu, and pee all over the place.

Speaking of which, I am not sure why they don't describe the funnest aspect, whenever a puppy poops or pees, a referee comes out, calls a penalty, and cleans up. Yup, four years of drama school at USC, night after night of improv and community theater, years of waiting tables, and this guy finally gets on TV cleaning up dachshund poop in a referee's outfit. He's this much closer to a non-speaking role on a Law and Order SVU.

Of course the real value of the show is it is an alternative to the Fox Super Bowl Pre-game Show, which this year clocks in at a lean 4 hours. That much Terry Bradshaw could make your head explode. So, enjoy Puppy Bowl IV. Just don't be one of those people at your Puppy Bowl party who say that you only watch the Puppy Bowl for the commercials.

Rebounding is all about positioning, timing, and effort…it has nothing to do with size

We are in the middle of another college basketball season. Living in the state in which I went to college, and sharing the state with other universities having no basketball heritage, I get to see almost all my team’s games on TV. In my younger days, I used to pace the house and regularly yell at the TV. Essentially I was a coach with (fortunately) no power. With age, a few (or more) crushing defeats, a little less beer, and now having other members of the household, I have mellowed a bit. However, a few times a game I will be provoked to yell something at the TV.

I know what you are thinking: Is this blog still about a dog or is this now the worst written sports blog on earth? How does this relate to Couper?

Well, it seems that Couper gets a little freaked out by this…


Big Buddy: {At the television} GET A G*#&@~N REBOUND!!!

Couper: {Suddenly looking at Big Buddy} What’s with Big Buddy? He’s awfully mad. What does he want? A rebound? What’s a rebound? I have a Mr. Hiney. He never calls that a rebound. I better get him a rebound. Whatever that is.

Big Buddy: {Again at the TV} GET THE BALL!!!

Couper: {Stops looking for a rebound, whatever that is, and looks again at Big Buddy} Oh, now my Big Buddy wants me to get a ball. I know what a ball is. But he and my mommy always want me to leave balls outside. I am always told to “drop it” when I try to bring a golf ball or tennis ball into the house. I’m confused. I have a Mr. Hiney. We’re playing with that. How come that isn’t OK anymore? Why am I in trouble??? What did I do???

Big Buddy: {At the TV of course} PLAY SOME DEFENSE!!!

Couper: {Stops thinking about how to go outside to get a ball, and looks once more at Big Buddy} Play? I want to play. What is “play defense”? I know how to play catch, and play “3-43 hut hut hike”, and play “Joe Namath wins the Super Bowl”. I don’t remember play “defense”. I’ll bring him my Mr. Hiney. Maybe he will show me how to play. I’m in enough trouble as it is for not getting the ball. {Brings Big Buddy his Mr. Hiney. Big Buddy tosses it}

Big Buddy: {At the TV once more} WHAT KIND OF SHOT IS THAT?!?

Couper: {Catches the Mr. Hiney. Turns again to Big Buddy} Huh? I think Big Buddy is now insane. What is he asking me? Shots? I hate shots. I’m not even at the vet. I’m going to jump up on the couch and give Big Buddy a hug. He looks like he needs one and I do NOT want a shot. {Jumps up on couch and sits on Big Buddy’s lap, giving him the wide eyed puppy look}.

Big Buddy: {At Couper this time} Sorry, Little Bud. I’m not yelling at you, it’s this game…{Back at the TV} WOULD YOU GET A REBOUND!?!?!

Couper: Rebound again? That’s it. I’m outta here. I’m going under the bed where it’s safe.

So, at least once a game, I have to fetch Couper out from under the bed and apologize to him for about five minutes. I try to work this in at halftime, so I don’t miss any of the game I’m enjoying. If his mommy is home, (“There’s a game today? Uh, I need to get some things at Kohl’s. I think they’re having a sale.”) I will send him over to her and they can watch Tivoed soap operas together (Rarely during those does she scream, “Don’t do that! She’s only after your money!!!” When she does, I wonder if Couper runs under the bed?). If she is gone, we repeat the process in the second half.

No matter how much I tell him, Couper still does not understand that I am not mad at him, I am mad at the game on TV. Luckily this behavior is usually confined to college basketball and a little bit to college football (until about halftime of the first game when I realize they are hopeless again). My pro teams stink too much to care. I think Couper’s favorite televised sport is baseball. We take a nap together on the couch during the middle innings. No running under the bed for that.

This (Little) Bud’s For You

I like beer. To put it in this blog’s terms, it is yummy delicious good. I like it to the point that I get presents like a mini keg refrigerator for Christmas. So instead of having beer in bottles or cans like I usually would, I can pour myself a beer in a nice big plastic cup. Nothing but the finest for me.

That is exactly what I did last Friday night. Couper’s Mommy and I were in the living room putting away the last of the Christmas decorations. I put my cup of beer on the coffee table and we were going about our business. At one point I looked over and Couper was sniffing around the table and the beer cup. Sensing disaster, I moved the cup to higher grounds.

As the evening progressed, I perhaps poured myself another beer, maybe two. I guess I had forgotten about the earlier incident (I have no idea why), and left the cup on the coffee table again. As Couper’s Mommy and I were working on another project, we hear “Slurp slurp slurp”. Couper had his front paws on the coffee table, his nose in my beer cup, and was lapping up my beer. How he didn’t tip over the cup is beyond us. Applying our kindergarten training, we both yelled, “Uh uh!!!” That didn’t work as well as it did in the classroom, so we had to go over and get the cup away from him.

We feared the worst. Kindergarten valedictorian or not, he has at most 18 to 20 brain cells in that little head. If like they told us in high school health, beer kills a million brain cells (who could dispute high school health?), that would leave him with -999,982 brain cells. At most!!! But, in the end, he did not act tipsy (not sure how we would have discerned this from “normal” behavior???) and did not throw up. Before bed, Couper and I shared a bag of Cheetos and everything was fine (before you call ASPCA, I did not give my dog Cheetos. And before you call my physician, I did not have Cheetos either. I don’t really like Cheetos. We don’t even have Cheetos in the house. I don’t have a physician either).

Sadly I posted our best picture of Couper sleeping with his Buddyweiser toy in the previous New Year’s post. I was a week too soon.

This of course was not Couper’s first time brazenly getting into food or food by-products:

• A couple of times he has lapped up milk from cups that I have left on the coffee table. I am not sure what it is about milk, but it is the one food item that if I am having it on the sofa, he will climb up my entire body trying to get to it; almost as if he were entitled to it. This is fine for milk, but if he starts this with beer, he may become an outside dog. (Again, do not call ASCPA. I am not going to make my Little Buddy an outside dog. We don’t even have an outside. Wait, that’s not true. Just don’t call the ASPCA, OK?).

• Last year before Christmas, Couper’s Mommy was sitting on the floor taking Christmas ornaments out of a box. I was helping her by lying on the sofa watching basketball. At one point Couper swoops by and hops up on the sofa at my feet. I begin to hear, “Crunch, crunch, crunch”. My first thought was, “Couper is chewing a bone”. My second thought was, “Why does Gonzaga play so much zone?” My third thought was, “Why is Couper’s bone crunching? It doesn’t usually crunch”. I look down the sofa and see Couper eating the right foot of a glazed gingerbread ornament. This was not his first gingerbread offense. The year before, he chewed the foot of a different glazed gingerbread ornament while it was on the tree. (No calling the ASPCA or the Gingerbread Man Society. Gingerbread is perfectly fine for dogs and gingerbread men are meant to be eaten).

• We grill quite often, and Couper enjoys licking the grill brush. Considering it is basically burnt food on brillo, I am not sure why. It seems a painful way to get food in sand form. So when we grill I usually have a set procedure. When done, I turn the heat up on the grill to burn off the grate and put the grill brush up where he can’t reach it. One night I wasn’t thinking, and just turned the grill off. We were still eating, when Couper wanted to go outside. Generally the procedure is he goes outside, does his business, looks for the grill brush, barks at the neighbors, and gets called in. The whole process takes two minutes tops. This night he was outside for about ten minutes when Couper’s Mommy said to me, “Where’s Couper? He's way too quiet” I went outside to look. The grill brush sat on the side of the grill untouched. However, since I had turned off the grill and it had cooled, there was Couper, front paws on the grill base and his nose buried in the drip pan. When I yelled “Couper, no” (this was before learning of the magical “uh uh”), he raised his head and looked at me like, “Oh, hi Big Buddy, is this wrong???” I got him away from the pan. Three seconds later he threw up. Three seconds after that he threw up again. Then for good measure, he threw up a third time. To top that off, his entire snout was covered with grease (I had not cleaned the drip pan in a while). He must have shaken some of that off at some point because the rest of his body and the patio were sprayed with grease. So his final tally for 5+ minutes of pure cholesterol? Three pukes and one bath. (You’re calling the ASPCA now, aren’t you? Maybe you should).

It could be worse. Couper’s Aunt (my sister) has two labs, at least one of which grabs anything he can off the kitchen counter, kitchen island, and kitchen table. He likes to circle the kitchen almost like a shark; waiting for someone to stop paying attention for a couple of seconds. Better yet, he is allergic to everything, so whatever he gets is bad for him, never mind if he gets something that really is bad for him. After we visit Couper’s cousins Murphy and Grady, we are grateful that Couper is too small to reach much of anything (except the coffee table). Not that he doesn’t try. He does. It is both pathetic and a testament to his tenacity that he tries to jump up and get things off our kitchen island. He just misses by about two feet.

So in the end I may have to go back to drinking beer from the bottle or can. He may be able to sniff those, but he can’t get his big tongue in the little openings. Good thing we only drink wine out of the bottle (and in the paper bag). He likes grapes too. (Before you call the ASPCA for the 1000th time, we stopped giving him grapes the second we found out they were not good for him).

Happy New Year's from the Poop!

May your 2008 be chock full of Little Buddies.

...and Giving

Added to the list of Dachshund stuff we already have, we got the following:

• More Dachshund calendars (of course)
• Dachshund towels
• Dachshund bank
• Dachshund cutting board (I'm not kidding)
• Dachshund note pads
• More dachshund books
• Another dachshund stuffed animal
• Another dachshund figurine
• Dachshund straw hat
• Dachshund ring holder (I couldn't make this stuff up)
• I am sure I inadvertently missed somethings.

Couper's haul:

• Soccer ball
• Football - Just like the ones that come over the wall from the neighbor kids that Couper likes to play with. It usually takes me a couple of minutes to get it away from him. So Santa got him his own.
• Squeaky blanket
• Dangerous Book for Dogs - I cannot recommend this book strongly enough. However Couper is already well skilled in barking, begging skills, and playing fetch. Thankfully he is too small for crotch sniffing.
  
• Turkey Jerky - I can't recommend this strongly enough either.
• Doggy cookies
• Peanut butter biscuits
• Biscuits

We are truly blessed. I know that there are many families out there that got no dachshund merchandise for Christmas. Please keep them in your minds and hearts in 2008.

Merry Christmas from the Poop

Merry Christmas from Couper and all of us at Couper's Poop. May Santa bring you the finest in dachshund presents this Christmas.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

We got Couper in September of 2003 (No, this is not the long rumored “How we got Couper” post). The first major gift-giving holiday for our family after getting Couper was Christmas. Gift-giving holidays are always the toughest. The non-gift giving holidays are easy. For example the Fourth of July, what do you do for that holiday? Buy beer, grill hot dogs, drink beer, watch fireworks. Takes about a minute and a half of planning. Christmas on the other hand takes a minute and a half just to come to the obvious conclusion that you should have started planning in September rather than on December 21. For the record, the gift-giving holidays are: Birthdays, Valentines Day, Easter, Mommy's Day, Big Buddy's Day, Arbor Day, and Christmas. Non-gift giving are: New Years, MLK, President’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Election Day, Veteran’s Day, and Thanksgiving. You may wish to argue. That's fine. If your family gives gifts on Nixon’s Birthday, more power to you.

It was that first Christmas with Couper that I came to a chilling realization; my Christmas shopping tripled in complexity. I figured out that not only did I add buying presents to give to the Little Buddy, but being the generous puppy that he is, I also had to buy presents that were from the Little Buddy. I have enough trouble shopping on my own. Now I had to get into the head of a little dog who does not communicate much other than, “feed me” and “play with me”, to buy presents from his perspective. Couper and I would have conversations like this:

Big Buddy: {On computer} Couper, what do you want to get your mommy for Christmas?
Couper: {Chews his bone}
Big Buddy: We could get her a nice scarf? What do you think of this one?
Couper: {Finds toy to play with}
Big Buddy: I’m not big on it either. What about this sweater?
Couper: {Hands Big Buddy his toy} Ummmmmm!
Big Buddy: {Throws ball} OK, not that one, how about these gloves? She could wear them while she walks you.
Couper: Fine with me Big Buddy. Can we use your credit card???
Big Buddy: Sure, I guess this time.

(I am guessing he has the same conversation with his mommy too).

As it turns out, what Couper really likes to give as gifts is dachshund merchandise. I wish I could remember the first dachshund item we found. It eventually got buried with the 100s (literally) of others that we have gotten since. Given that I barely knew that dachshunds existed when we got Couper, it amazes me that there is all this dachshund stuff. I have to assume it was there before we got Couper (I mean, we did not start this industry, we just keep it afloat), but I guess I never noticed it. For all I know, there is a lot of Airedale Terrier merchandise. I have no idea. I do not want to find out. For this reason, we can only get dachshunds from here on out. It is all we can afford.

Anyhow, over the years we have found: dachshund shirts, dachshund socks, dachshund hats, dachshund magnets, dachshund pens, dachshund mugs (neither Couper’s Mommy nor I drink coffee, we have over ten dachshund mugs), dachshund figurines, dachshund picture frames, dachshund CD holders, dachshund ornaments (we have a full ornament tree with just dachshund ornaments…most branches are doubled up), dachshund stockings, dachshund gift bags, dachshund calendars, dachshund greeting cards, dachshund postcards, dachshund books (adult and children’s…by adult I mean for readers over 12, not sold in adult book stores, that would be gross), dachshund stuffed animals, dachshund corn holders (head up front, hiney in the rear...no two hiney corn cobs, Couper's Mommy won't allow it), dachshund salt and pepper shakers, dachshund pillows, dachshund blankets, dachshund signs, dachshund bumper stickers, and dachshund dog toys. I am sure I missed something. I once got a box of poop bags because it had a dachshund on the box. It was twice as expensive as the poop bags we usually use, but I had to buy it.

It is now impossible for me to walk by a rack of greeting cards without looking for a card with a dachshund on it. It doesn’t even matter if nobody’s birthday is coming up or that we don’t know anybody graduating (for example). I buy them and store them. I have to.

One of my favorite quotes from Couper’s Mommy is, “You know, nothing says that we have to buy every item that has a dachshund on it.” Never was a statement so right and yet so wrong. It is scary walking into a store, seeing four dachshund items, and saying, “got that one, got that one, and that one…”. However, there are enablers. Amazon has a link called “Recommended for you”. You buy one dachshund item, and it recommends others. This has been great for Dachshunds kids books, that Couper gets for his mommy to put in her classroom. There are even sites outside of Amazon like this just for the breed.

The worst moment of dachshund gift giving came on Couper’s Mommy’s birthday a couple of years ago. A couple of days before her birthday, I came to the realization that most of her gifts were dachshund gifts from Couper. Knowing that I had already gotten a couple of dachshund figurines from the Hallmark store earlier, I figured it was safe to go in there and look for candles or picture frames or something like that. As I walked in, there was a display in one of the front aisles that contained not one dachshund figurine, but a series of dachshund figurines. They are called Hot Diggity Dogs and basically are dachshunds dressed up as various things and named with a punny phrase (Cocktail Weiner pictured right). Not only that, but there was a birthday weiner in that collection. I walked out of the store that day with three of these things. I had to go back the next day to get the candle. It gets even more evil. It turns out that there were more than just those that were in the Hallmark store that day. As they got more in, we bought them; until we had the whole set (I think there were eight). End of story? Lord no. A few months later they had a whole new series of Hot Diggity Dogs. They have been having about two new series a year for a couple of years now. They now have mugs, banks, picture holders and Christmas ornaments too. We have just about all of them. When we were looking for houses this summer, we found one that had built in display shelves in the entry hall. Couper’s Mommy said, “We could put our dachshunds in those.” Guess which house we bought? Guess where our Hot Diggity Dogs are?

So, in the end we are a bit out of control. My advice to you: if you make something, anything, put a picture of a dachshund on it. We'll buy it. And I did not mean to imply that we bought all the dachshund stuff we own. (No we didn't steal it, wait for the next sentence will you!). We are very willing recipients of dachshund presents from friends and family. So, are there dachshund things left to give this Christmas? Yes. Somehow. Couper has to have something to give. He never did get his mommy those gloves. Turns out they weren't dachshund gloves.